When In Love

When In Love

I wanted to tell you your dress was too revealing at the party and how gorgeous you looked in it. But I didn’t. It wasn’t your fault that a few boys your age ended up objectifying you till Nikhil came over and took you away to dance with him. I felt protective of you but Nikhil was good. He cared for you and as the night turned in and you danced a little more, I saw how happy you were. I was jealous. I never had the courage to tell you how I wish I would’ve been in his place but I was no less an object of desire too in my ripped jeans and cropped top that I was blamed for wearing earlier that night when I left my house to attend a party only because you were going to it.

They called me a rebel then for not wearing feminine outfits and for being a woman in love with another and lying about it and for never letting anyone know that you were bi curious and in the same closet as mine.

I’m guilty of knowing your secrets and that’s my confession. You never had your first kiss as a teenager simply because you wanted an emotional depth before you experienced intimacy in any form. You felt you didn’t fit in just because your friends had experienced things you hadn’t and they never stopped bragging about it. The battle between your head and heart continued and I too was going through the same. ‘The stupid heart never stops seeking love despite everything it’s put through.’ When you wrote that in a poem, I almost sled into your dms. You had looked at me that morning in college for the first time and wondered why I maintained my distance with everyone. For a moment your extroverted self reached out and I waited. The moment passed and so did you. The exam results were out.

It’s been 20 years since that day. I no longer need to hide my love for a woman and cropped tops. I might be getting engaged next month. Writers have been reaching out to write about my journey, my first crush, the first time I realized I was into women, little realizing it was never women, only one – who never gave up on love despite everything it had gone through.

by Suchi

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